Here’s something you probably don’t hear enough: talking about money with your partner is an act of love.
It’s not the candlelit dinner kind of romance, but it’s the foundation for building a retirement you’ll both actually enjoy. When you avoid these conversations, you’re not protecting your relationship. You’re leaving critical decisions to chance and potentially setting yourself up for conflict down the road.
The good news? Most couples find that once they start these conversations, the anxiety dissolves. What felt scary becomes clarifying. What seemed like a potential source of conflict becomes an opportunity to dream together.
Here are the essential financial conversations every couple should have before retirement. These aren’t one-time discussions but ongoing dialogues that evolve as you move closer to your next chapter.
The Retirement Vision Conversation
Before you can plan the financial details, you need to align on what you’re actually planning for. What does retirement look like in your mind? What does it look like in your partner’s?
You might be surprised by how different your visions are. One partner might imagine quiet mornings with coffee and a book, while the other pictures traveling six months a year. One might want to downsize and simplify, while the other dreams of finally having room for a workshop or garden.
Neither vision is wrong, but if they’re wildly different, you’ll need to find common ground.
Questions to explore together:
- When do we each want to retire? Are we retiring at the same time, or will one of us work longer?
- Where do we want to live? Will we stay in our current home, downsize, relocate, or split time between locations?
- How will we spend our days? What activities, hobbies, or pursuits matter most to each of us?
- What does a successful retirement look like? How will we know we’re living well?
- What role do we want to play in our children’s or grandchildren’s lives?
Creating a shared vision: Start by each writing down your individual retirement dreams without discussing them. Then come together and share what you wrote. Look for areas of overlap and areas where you’ll need to compromise or create space for individual pursuits.
Remember, you don’t have to do everything together. A healthy retirement often includes shared activities and individual interests. The key is understanding what matters most to each person and making sure your financial plan supports both.
At TFS Advisors, we use retirement coaching principles to help couples clarify their vision and create a plan that honors both partners’ dreams. Sometimes what looks like a financial problem is actually a clarity problem, and once you know where you’re going, the path forward becomes much clearer.
The Numbers Talk: Full Financial Disclosure
You can’t plan effectively if you’re working with incomplete information. This conversation requires full transparency about your complete financial picture.
Combining your financial snapshot:
- Assets and accounts: List every checking account, savings account, 401(k), IRA, brokerage account, and any other assets you own individually or jointly
- Debts and obligations: Mortgage, car loans, credit card balances, student loans, personal loans, and any other financial commitments
- Income sources: Current salaries, expected pensions, Social Security estimates, rental income, or other revenue streams
- Net worth calculation: Total assets minus total liabilities gives you your current financial position
Many couples discover they’re in better shape than they thought. Others find hidden debts or accounts they didn’t know existed. Either way, you need the complete picture.
Understanding each other’s financial history: How you were raised around money profoundly affects how you think about it as an adult. If one partner grew up in a household where money was scarce and stress was constant, they might be more risk-averse and focused on security. If the other grew up in financial stability, they might be more comfortable with investment risk.
Neither approach is better, but understanding where each perspective comes from helps you extend grace when you disagree. Share your money stories with each other. How did your parents handle money? What did you learn about saving, spending, and investing? What are your biggest financial fears?
Creating financial transparency: Agree that all accounts and financial decisions will be shared knowledge. Even if you maintain some separate accounts for individual spending, both partners should have access to all account information and understand the full financial picture.
Risk Tolerance and Investment Philosophy
One of the most common sources of conflict in couples’ financial planning is different comfort levels with investment risk. One partner might be perfectly fine riding out market volatility, while the other loses sleep when the portfolio drops 10%.
This isn’t just a personality difference. It’s a fundamental tension that will affect every investment decision you make in retirement.
Assessing each partner’s risk tolerance: Risk tolerance surveys can help quantify your comfort level, but honest conversation matters more. Ask each other about past experiences with market downturns. How did you feel during 2008? During the pandemic market drop? How much portfolio volatility can you handle before it affects your daily peace of mind?
Finding middle ground on portfolio allocation: If one partner is comfortable with 80% stocks and the other prefers 40%, you’ll need to find a compromise that both can live with. Sometimes this means a 60/40 portfolio split. Other times it means separating some accounts to allow for different allocations based on purpose.
The role of professional guidance: This is where working with a financial advisor becomes invaluable. We help couples navigate these differences by showing them the historical data, running scenarios, and creating strategies that balance growth potential with emotional comfort.
Retirement success isn’t just about maximizing returns. It’s about building a strategy you can both stick with during inevitable market fluctuations. A slightly lower-return portfolio that you both feel confident about will outperform a higher-return portfolio that causes constant stress and knee-jerk decisions.
Spending and Lifestyle Expectations
Here’s where theory meets reality. You’ve talked about retirement dreams, but how much will those dreams actually cost?
Current spending patterns: Start by tracking your current spending for at least three months. Most people underestimate how much they spend because they don’t account for irregular expenses like car repairs, medical bills, or annual insurance premiums.
Expected retirement spending: Common wisdom says you’ll need 70 to 80% of your pre-retirement income, but that’s just a starting point. Some expenses will decrease (commuting, work clothes, retirement savings), while others will increase (healthcare, travel, hobbies).
Discretionary vs. essential expenses: Separate your spending into must-haves and nice-to-haves. Your must-haves include housing, utilities, food, insurance, and basic healthcare. Everything else is discretionary, and that’s where you have flexibility if you need to adjust.
Individual spending priorities: One partner might prioritize travel while the other values investing in hobbies or supporting grandchildren’s education. Create space in your budget for each person’s priorities instead of forcing everything to be joint.
Creating a retirement budget together: Build a realistic monthly and annual budget that reflects your shared vision. Include categories for both joint expenses and individual spending. Then stress-test it. What happens if one of you needs unexpected medical care? What if investment returns are lower than expected?
Healthcare and Long-Term Care Planning
This is the conversation many couples avoid because it forces you to confront uncomfortable realities. But avoiding it doesn’t make those realities go away.
Healthcare costs in retirement: According to Fidelity, the average couple retiring at 65 will spend approximately $315,000 on healthcare costs throughout retirement. That’s just for premiums and out-of-pocket expenses, not long-term care.
Medicare and supplemental insurance: When you turn 65, you’ll both need to navigate Medicare enrollment. Discuss whether you’ll choose Original Medicare with a supplement or Medicare Advantage. These decisions affect your out-of-pocket costs, provider networks, and flexibility.
Long-term care considerations: This is the hardest conversation, but one of the most important. Statistics show that 70% of people over 65 will need some form of long-term care. That could mean in-home assistance, assisted living, or nursing home care.
What-if scenarios to discuss:
- What if one of us needs care but the other is healthy? Will we hire in-home help, or will one spouse provide care?
- What if both of us need care? Do we have family who can help, or will we need to rely on professional services?
- How do we feel about assisted living facilities vs. aging in place?
- At what point would we make a housing change to accommodate changing needs?
Long-term care insurance decisions: Long-term care insurance can protect your assets and give you more options if care is needed. However, premiums can be expensive, and not everyone qualifies due to health conditions. Discuss whether this insurance fits into your overall plan.
The financial impact of caregiving: If one spouse becomes a caregiver, it affects your entire financial picture. The caregiver might need to reduce work hours or retire early. Care expenses can deplete savings quickly. Talk through how you’ll handle these scenarios before they happen.
Legacy and Generational Planning
What do you want to leave behind? This conversation goes beyond just dollars and cents to questions of values and meaning.
Estate planning alignment: Do you both have updated wills? Have you designated powers of attorney for healthcare and finances? Are your beneficiary designations current and coordinated?
Many couples discover their estate documents aren’t aligned or haven’t been updated in years. Now’s the time to review and revise everything together.
Beneficiary discussions: If you have children from previous relationships, stepchildren, or a blended family, beneficiary decisions can become complex. Have frank conversations about how you want assets distributed and why. Get everything in writing and communicate your decisions to relevant family members to avoid surprises later.
Charitable giving intentions: Do you want to support specific causes or organizations? Charitable giving can be part of your legacy and offer tax advantages. Discuss your giving priorities and incorporate them into your financial plan.
Support for adult children: How much do you want to help your adult children financially? Will you contribute to grandchildren’s education? Help with down payments? Pay for family vacations? These are all wonderful ways to use your resources, but they need to be balanced against your own retirement security.
Creating your legacy mission together: Beyond money, what values do you want to pass down? What stories do you want your grandchildren to know? Sometimes legacy planning is less about the size of the inheritance and more about the wisdom and example you leave behind.
You’re Building More Than a Financial Plan
These conversations are about far more than spreadsheets and account balances. They’re about building a shared vision, deepening your partnership, and creating a retirement where both people feel heard, valued, and excited about what’s ahead.
It’s normal to have differences. It’s normal for some of these conversations to be uncomfortable. What matters is that you’re having them together, with honesty and respect for each other’s perspectives.
At TFS Advisors, we specialize in helping couples navigate these conversations with clarity and care. We provide the structure, tools, and expertise to help you make decisions together while honoring each person’s unique dreams and concerns.
Ready to start planning your retirement as a team? Schedule a couples’ consultation with us today.
